It’s 1:40am and I just climbed back into bed after nursing our son back to sleep for the 3rd time since we put him down at eight. I noticed you’re awake enough to roll back into your slumber, when I slipped back under the sheets and I look at you with envy. I want to be you. Next time around I want to be the dad. That’s what I want to say in a snide tone to your handsome sleeping face, but instead I’m going to roll over and try to get some sleep before I have to wake again.
Before I do that – I’m going to kiss whatever part of you I can reach from my side of our giant co-sleeping bed. Tonight it was your elbow. I wonder if you can feel it. If you know how much I love you despite the fact that you fell asleep with the T.V. on and you didn’t kiss me goodnight. I can’t be mad at you for that or for sleeping through most of the night’s commotion. Our son loves the boob…and although you in fact have boobs, they aren’t producing sweet, sweet mama’s milk.
So I take a deep breath and try to count my blessings. 1. I am able to breastfeed my baby. 2. It’s a bond like no other 3… But when I need a break you can’t step in for me.
I’m in this alone and although you sometimes wake and try to rock him back to sleep, it rarely works and he’s in my arms again. I feel kind of terrible even saying that. One day I will miss it. But tonight all I can focus on is, you forgot to kiss me goodnight.
I know you are tired. You woke at 6am with our son and worked all day to support our little family. The things you do for us, and the way in which you contribute to our son’s well being should be enough, but its not. I long for those moments we used to have when we were just two. When the worry of the baby waking wasn’t even a thought. We were so free and we didn’t even know it.
Last night when you tried to put the moves on me and I couldn’t reciprocate even though I long for it most nights – was super sucky. But I want you to know it wasn’t because I was tired. I mean, I was tired but that’s not why I turned you down. I turned you down because it was painful. It was like I was a virgin all over again, but you weren’t a timid teenager. You were the man I have been intimate with for over six years. So even though things haven’t changed on your end – and I appreciate that you find my new mom body sexy, I need you to be that timid teen that is just as afraid of what this engagement might hold for us as I am.
We have to start over, go slow, and experiment. The things we used to do have to be put on hold. But that doesn’t mean we’ll never do them again. Just like every other aspect of our life with a baby, we have to learn to compromise. I know you will never fully understand – but you were there when our son was born. You were there the 10 months prior when my body and hormones were drastically changing. It makes sense that our sex life would take a blow. So I say this to you just in case you need an explanation. It’s not you, it’s me – it’s my “bina” to be exact. So just give me some time, but please, please don’t forget to kiss me goodnight.
My lips somehow dodged the bullet and my heart did too.
Love you so,