I miss you. It’s hard when I don’t get to see you as much as I used to.
I remember my first pregnancy like it was yesterday. Not many of our friends had been down that road, so it was hard to do it alone. I was uncomfortable mostly all the time, but you still invited me out. I did my best to enjoy my time out while I was pregnant, as I knew it was precious time alone with my friends.
I remember when my first baby was born and I struggled with easing into motherhood. You came by once and it seemed a little awkward. It was hard for me while I was breastfeeding. I am sorry I couldn’t focus on our conversations. I was merely a breastfeeding machine for the first 3 months straight and nothing else mattered. I am sorry I didn’t always respond to your texts or calls. I was either sleeping or breastfeeding.
Thank you for continuing to invite me to your fun nights out, even though I would never come to one. I may have said that I couldn’t get a sitter while my husband was at work. I may have said that I had other plans.
The truth was that I was tired.
I was always tired. I know it’s hard for you to understand why. The baby never slept, and I rarely showered. I wouldn’t have been able to look anything less than a zombie if we went out together anyways. I’m pretty sure the smell of breast milk and spit up oozing from my body would have been a total turn off to anyone within smelling distance from me.
I know you eventually stopped inviting me out, and it’s ok. I understand why you did.
As we transitioned from the baby phase into raising tiny adults, my weekends slowly turned into kids birthday parties and soccer games. We were consumed with keeping the kids in various activities and we were always busy. I am sorry that I still didn’t make enough time to spend with you. Raising a family is a lot of hard work.
I have to admit that I occasionally feel jealous of your glamorous international vacations and “girls trips” with all your single girl friends. I dream about spontaneously planning a fun vacation, not having to worry about who is going to watch the girls or how we are going to pay for it, and just LIVE that freeing lifestyle.
But then I realize that maybe sometime in the future, you want a family too. Maybe you want what I already have, and I just haven’t given us the time to sit down and have that conversation. Friend, I want that for you. I want you to have the family you always wanted because you deserve it. And maybe then, I can see you more often. Perhaps at kids birthday parties, or family get togethers.
Then I think, maybe you don’t want a family in the future. Maybe the life you live is one you planned. I only hope I can be a part of it more.
I am sorry that this has taken me so long to write. Know that I will do a better job of being your friend, because I miss you and want to spend time with you.
I hope you can forgive me for the kind of friend I have been over the last few years. I know you will forgive, because you are a good person. You are understanding, tolerant and have a huge heart.
I can’t wait to give you a huge squeeze next time I see you.
Your friend for life,