Passionate About San Diego
and the Moms Who Live Here

To The Mom Going Through A Divorce :: This Does Not Define You

Dear Mom going through a divorce,

This event does not define you.

I’ll repeat that – this event does not define you. You are more than your divorce. A full life awaits you, regardless of your past and the pain that you are feeling now. You do not end when your marriage does. A different, more experienced, stronger you may emerge- but you will not be lost in this. 

I was once part of a conversation where we were asked to describe the most painful thing we’d ever experienced. Others described excruciating, physical pain but I couldn’t relate to them. I could only come up with one word: divorce. Sure some divorces are amicable, and former spouses are able to coparent peacefully. Some couples part ways with no financial dramas or difficulty. My divorce was painful on a level I’d never imagined possible. The heartache made me somehow physically ill. I felt like no one could hear me when I explained that I’d lost the will to eat, work and could barely sleep. It’s something that others can’t understand unless they’ve felt it. 

I hear you if you’re calling out in pain. If your heart is in pieces then I hear you. I’ve been there. I’ve felt your betrayal, shame, hopelessness and sadness. I know the anger that makes your blood boil, that turns to rage with each new detail that emerges from the mess. But hear me. This is going to end. Those feelings won’t last forever. You have love left to give and a heart left to receive it. You have a lifetime of happiness ahead of you as you watch your children grow and you will make it through this together. 

The details of the divorce don’t matter. The finger pointing, name calling, blame laying, all of that doesn’t matter. In the end you simply don’t belong together. You couldn’t make it work. You’re better off without each other. For those that left physically abusive relationships, it’s literally a matter of life or death. 

If you’re worried about how people will see you then you might not need those people in your life. Once the dust settles (and it will) you can decide to talk about everything, but you don’t need to justify your split to anyone. You don’t owe anyone the details of why it didn’t work. If your ex is playing by rules other than the above, then I understand that pain as well. 

You feel so defenseless- so have a good deep cry.

Sometimes those are the best. The ugly, loud, intense cries that leave your eyes puffy for days. Bury your head in a pillow and sob and then remember that you are so loved. You have children who think you are amazing and you are much more than this singular event. I think you are amazing.

Your divorce does not define who you are. 

Hold your head high and walk straight because there is life on the other side of this. There is a rich life with adventures waiting to be experienced. You got this.

Love,

Divorced Mom who lived to tell the tale

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